Jokes

what do lady gaga and wolverine have in common?they,re both ex men

An englishman, frenchman and italian are in the pub discussing their favourite ways to make love to their girlfriends.

The Frenchman says when he pours champagne over his girlfriend and then licks it off her, she rises 6 inches off the bed in ecstasy.

The Italian says he likes to pour pasta over his girlfriend and eat it off her, and that she rises 12 inches off the bed in ecstacy..

Then the Englishman says "well I have sex with the missus and when I've finished, and I wipe my dick on the curtains, she hits the roof.."

Dilemma.

Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the drivers door.

I see Toyota sponsor ITV Movies.
Ironic really as, in ITV's case, movies are ruined by the breaks.

I've just moved into my new flat and directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I'm above the law.

I think real stalkers would be insulted by people who call themselves "facebook stalkers."

Oooh, you click around on different profiles hoping to find tagged pictures of that cute babe you met in a club. You are so edgy and dangerous.

Try camping out in front of Cheryl Coles's house wearing a nappy and night vision goggles then maybe we'll talk.

This hot ass girl came over to myspace last night, she twittered my yahoo till I googled all over her facebook. Just ask Jeeves...

the pope and ashley cole die on the same day but because of a mix-up the pope goes to hell and ashley goes to heaven.the pope explains the situation,and after checking the paperwork,the clerk in hell admits theres been a mistake."however"the clerk says,"its gonna be 24 hours before the mistake can be rectified" the next day the pope is told he can go to heaven.on his way up he meets ashley on his way down."sorry about the mix-up"apologises the pope,anyway cant chat,im really keen to meet the virgin mary" cole replies"oh dear,you,re a day late"

a blonde walks into a library and says 'can i have a cheeseburger and large fries please ?', the librarian looks at her and says 'this is a library !', the blonde says 'oops sorry, (whispers) can i have a cheeseburger and large fries please ?'