Jokes

john terry was asked recently about chelsea's home defeats, he said "well i can't speak for the rest of the squad but me and ash' prefer playing away"!

What have a slice of burned toast and your pregnant girlfriend got in common?
you wish you'd taken it out a few seconds earlier.

Two years after they are married,a woman asks her Scottish husband for money to buy a new dress."Och! Why do you want a new dress woman?,Whats wrong with the one you're wearing?" he asks."Nothing" she explains"but im tired of people throwing confetti at me"

Postman asks"is this letter for you?the name is smudged" man replies "no,it cant be,my name is smith"

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

(A Man's Perspective) I know I'm not going to understand women.. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

my mate just told me his new girlfriend is called joanna king.
i said"you,re f**king joking.

what do you call a girl without a c**t? cheryl cole.

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!