Jokes

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Cheese-tastic!

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight.its an absolute mystery as to why though.the plot thickens....

Little Red Riding Hood is walking along a country lane. She hears a rustling in the bushes, and says : "Who's there?" Up pops the wolf and runs off. 100 yards further along the lane she hears more rustling in the bushes. She says : "Who's there?" Once again the wolf pops up and runs off. 50 yards further on she hears yet more rustling in the bushes. She says : "Who's there?" The wolf pops up, turns around and says : "WILL YOU FUCKOFF AND LET ME HAVE A SHIT IN PEACE"


Quasimodo is on Mastermind.

Quizmaster : "And what is your specialist subject?"

Quasimodo : "Masturbation, masturbation"

Quizmaster : "You can't answer questions on masturbation"

Quasimodo : "Well i've started now so i'll finish"

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

Why couldn't the pirate stop thinking about sailing?

He had ship for brains.

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A Yorkshire couple are on holiday in Spain. The wife says to the hubby : "Aye up George, we forgot to pack the Bisto" The hubby replies : "I'll go across the road and ask the neighbours, i think they're English" So he walks up to the house and knocks on the door, and a man answers. The hubby says : "Ast any Bisto?" The other man replies "Fuckoff you Spanish idiot"

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman says : "Is this some kind of joke?"

A man walks into his daughter's bedroom to find her playing with a vibrator. He says : "What the hell are you doing?" Holding up the vibrator, she replies : "This has been my husband for the last 2 years" "Anyway, i'm off out" A couple of hours later she returns to see her father sat on the sofa, with the vibrator in one hand and a pint of beer in the other. "What the hell are YOU doing?" she exclaims. The father replies : "I'm just having a drink with the son-in-law"