Jokes

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Scouser is walking down the high street in Croydon when he sees a video entitled "Liverpool The Glory Years" in the window display of a chairty shop.

He goes in and says to the assistant: "Eh ar kid, ow much for the 'Pool video like?"

After wiping the phlegm from his face, the assistant replies: "£100."

"That's a bit steep innit la?, the lovable cheeky scamp asks, "ow come its dat dear soft lad?"

"Well," the assistant says, "it's £1 for the tape and £99 for the Betamax player."

I broke into Cheryl Cole's dressing room before she arrived at the X factor studios at the weekend and wanked myself off into a bottle of her L'Oreal shampoo.

Because she's worth it.

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

Whats long and hard and makes woman groan?
An ironing board.

The latest poll of polls shows that we are sick and tired of poll of polls and could not give a flying fuck which bunch of corrupt bastards wins the general election!

Two men walking down the street. A gang of 20 approach them. One man says : "You know mate, we're going to get mugged here, i know we are, i'm sure we are. Anyway, here's that £500 i owe you"


Little old lady in a pub. She sees a little old man sat in the corner, and she goes up to him. "Do i know you?" She says. Man replies "Oh, i don't know". Lady says "Weren't you a strongman in the circus many years ago?" "Yes, i was" The man says. The lady continues "Aye, you were strong. I once saw you bend a 14 inch bar of iron over your prick" "I know" The man replies. "I can't do it now though, my wrists have gone"

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mum

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."