Jokes

why is six scared of seven

gos seven eight nine

hehheheheheheheheehehehhehehehehehehe

i love that joke

joke 1
q. what happens when a man walks through an airport door sideways?

a. he's going to bangkok

joke 2
man says to god "god, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
god says "so you would love her".
man says "but god, why did you make her so dumb?"
god says "so she would love you"

joke 3
a man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. the woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. the supervisor is puzzled, "what's wrong with the co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice." the woman replies, "he's a midget".

A scientist has invented a bra that prevents tit's bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out when its cold. His colleagues have kicked the shit out of him.

Ulrika Johnsson was rushed out of the big brother house yesterday after sitting on a mobile phone.....Wasn't a big problem though as she's had an erricson up her arse before.

Why is a 9v battery like a womans asshole? You know you shouldn't but sooner or later your gonna put your tongue on it.

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

Did you hear about the dirty cream egg? He was walking about with his yoke hanging out

Three groups of scientists have conducted an extensive survey into the reason for the bell-end on a mans penis. The first group from USA concluded that it was to increase the mans pleasure during intercourse. The second group, from the UK, concluded that it was to increase the womans pleasure during intercourse. The third group, from Australia, concluded that it was to stop the man smacking himself in the face when he's wanking.

Simon was in turmoil, one side of his brain told him that sleeping with his paitents wasn't such a bad thing. Surely he wasn't the first to do it nor would he be the last. He continually tried to convince himself that his paitents wanted to sleep with him as much as he did them. But every time he had this inner debate, the voice from the other side of his brain always remended him ''but Simon, you're a vet''.

A family are driving along a busy road one day behind a Ann Summers lorry when suddenly a 10'' dildo flies out of the back of the lorry and bounces of the car windscreen. Mummy, in a quick attempt to protect little jonnies innocence, turns around and tells jonnie that it was only an insect to which little jonnie replies- '' Fucking hell, i'm suprised the cunt can even fly with a cock like that!!''

Mick Hucknall was arrested last night for having underage sex with a rabbit. Apparently he was holdin back the ears and the bunny was too tight too mention!

ROFL

Stephen was invited by Bill to a fancy dress party on Friday night. All week Stephen thought long and hard about what he could go as, even visiting all the fancy dress shops in town searching for ideas. Friday evening arrived and Stephen still hadn't decided on a costume when suddenly it dawned upon him what to go as. Later at the perty Bill answers the door to find Stephen standing in just a pair of y-fronts! ''Are you alright Stephen?'' enquired Bill, ''Yes'' replied Stephen. ''What are you dressed as?'' asked Bill. ''Is'nt it obvious?'' replied Stephen ''I'm premature ejaculation, i've just come in my pants!''

10 fruits.
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told out families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pinneapples.

Apparently, clubbers in Yorkshire have found a new way to get the most from an Ecstasy tab. Instead of swallowing it, they break it down into a powder and then smear it all over the inside of their mouths. The practice is called E' by gum!

After 8 years my missus still gets upset at me using her tooth brush. Now if you can tell me a better way to get dogshit off the bottom of trainers then I'm all ears.

One from Ricky Gervais ( I think) that always makes me laugh despite being a bit sick.

Q. What's blue and fucks old ladies?




A1. Hypothermia
or my favourite answer 2


Me in my lucky blue coat.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the fucking lid off of the specimen cup!

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'