Jokes

Whats the best way to make your girlfriend scream while your having sex?
Call her and tell her!

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 3 stone!

I've just come back from Madame Tussauds, and bJuoy it's mighty impressive work from the wax sculptures. I stood next to Justin Timberlake, Posh and Becks, Sachin Tendulkar, but the most alarming, life-like and accurate sculpture was of Steven Gerrard. Perfectly sculpted, with an amazing extra feature, anytime you go within 2 feet of him....he falls over! The accuracy was truly amazing

I often joke that my wife is too fat to have sex with.

I call her, "missionary impossible."

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

If it's ok for all the misogynistic dumb women jokes - then let's redress the balance a little

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?

How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off of his head.

What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

Why are men like laxatives? They both irritate the shit out of you.

Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why do seagulls have wings?

To beat the gypsies to the tip.


A man is in bed, and he phones up his cobbler. The cobbler says : "What the fuck do you want?" The man replies : "I've got some good news for you" Cobbler says "It's half-past four in the morning, so it bloody better be" The man says : "Well i'm here in bed shagging your daughter. I'd like to thank you, it's the only thing you've ever made for me that fits"


What's hit more balls than Ian Botham's cricket bat?

Elton John's chin.