Jokes

POLICE NEWSFLASH...

A man has been found in a river this morning wearing an England shirt,
womens knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a dildo shovved up his arse
and a blow up doll attached to the end of his todger.......

Police have removed the shirt to avoid any embarrasment to the victims family!

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.

Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."

So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.

Apparently they use actors on the show.

After Nigeria were eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of the fans that had travelled to South Africa!!!

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete their transaction.

Man driving down road. Woman driving up the road. They pass each other. "FUCKIN' BIG FAT COW!" the man shouts at her through the window.
"FUCKIN' WANKER!!" the woman yells back. Woman turns around the corner, crashes into a huge cow and dies.

Moral of the story?

If only women would listen!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

An old woman answers a knock at the door to be met by a travelling salesman. Before she has a chance to say anything, the salesman tips a bucket of dog shit all over her carpet. "Madam", he says. "If this new vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace of that, i'll eat what's left". "Well" the woman replies. "I hope you're hungry, because i had my electricity cut off this morning"