Jokes

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

Maggie Thatcher was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Maggie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Maggie.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Maggie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Maggie.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Maggie Thatcher’s chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick
up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body
bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy
lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get
the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."

Thank you very much for my nomination in
Best Cap or Cap Set Of The Year 2013
for Dannii Harwood Posts 781 & 782

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she gave her neighbor a blow job because she thought it would help his unemployment.

Two drunks realize that they are sobering up and only have $1.25 between them. So, they buy a hot dog from a hot dog stand and go into the next bar.

They do shot after shot until the bartender demands that they pay up. The drunk with the hot dog opens his zipper and puts it through the opening. The other drunk gets down and starts sucking on it. The bartender throws them out.

The drunks go to several bars with this routine until they are beyond drunk.

"Man," one of the drunks says, "that hot dog trick worked great."

"Actually," the second drunk says, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar."

A donkey and a chicken are out in a field when the donkey falls down a hole.
The chicken races over and jumps into the farmers BMW, ties a rope to the front and pulls him out.
Next week, they're both out in the field again and the chicken falls down a hole.
He tells the donkey to get the BMW but the donkey just walks over, drops his cock in and the chicken climbs out.

Moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey you don't need a BMW to pull a chick!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A mother asks her pregnant teenage daughter how she got pregnant.
"I told you, if a man touches your tits, say "DONT" and if he touches your pussy say "STOP"!
The girl says "But Ma, I did. He was touching both my tits and my pussy so I said "DONT STOP!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

The 2110 Paralympic swimming trials - 50 metres.

Lane 1 - John, with no arms.
Lane 2 - Pat, with no legs.
Lane 3 - A head.

The starting gun goes off and they all dive in. John takes the lead, with Pat just behind; the head sinks to the bottom of the pool. In the end, Pat just pips John to the finish.
They fish the head out of the water and ask what went wrong. The head screamed and spluttered,
"Six months! Six fuckin' months to learn to swim with my ears and some Div puts a swimming cap on me!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"
he replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."
She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"
He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?" and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

Someone asked me the other day; "What's your pet hate?"
I said "It doesn't really like things shoved up its arse."