Jokes

A depressed man goes into a bar. He says to the barman "I feel so down. My eldest son told me he's gay."

A week later he goes back to the bar. "My second son told me he's gay now aswell" said the man.

A week later he goes back to the same bar, looking as glum as ever. "God its terrible. My youngest son told me he's gay aswell now."

"Bloody hell" says the barman, "Is there anyone in your house that likes women?"

"Yeah" says the man, "it turns out my wife does"

A man walks into a chemists.

Man: "I'd like to buy a condom, please"

Shop Assistant: "Certainly, sir. What colour would you like? We have red, yellow, green, blue, black...

Man: "...I'd like that tartan one"

Shop Assistant: "You can't have that, that's my thermos flask"

So i was in a 69 with this girl and then i realised i had the dentist in 20 minutes.
So i brushed and brushed my teeth and the dentist said to me..."just had a 69?''
"Yeah how'd ya know?", "you have a skidmark on your forehead"

'i''m baffled by your orange penis' the doctor told his patient, does anyone else in your family have the same condition ?' no said the patient ' do you work with chemicals at work ?' i don't work ! said the patient ' well what do you do all day ? ask the doctor, ' i watch porn and eat wotsits 'said the patient !

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

I've been thinking about having my arsehole bleached.But I just can't picture the mother-in-law as a blonde

Why is everyone obsessed with riding Solo?
I'd much rather be riding Leia.

I"ve just sold my house for £250,000
The council are going to go fucking mental.

Three generations of prostitutes are discussing the financial conditions of their industry. The 20 year old says "I can't believe I only get £20 for a blow job". The 40 year old replies "Count yourself lucky, when I was your age I could barely get £5 for a blow job". The granny then pipes up with "Thats nothing, in my day we would give blow jobs for free just to have something warm in our stomachs".

Whilst playing my guitar earlier I happened to snap my G string whilst fingering a minor.