Jokes

A man goes into a butchers shop. The butcher points to some beef hanging from the rack and says "I bet you £10 you can't touch that meat." The man says "no thanks, the steaks are too high"

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What are the four words a man hates most during sex? - "Is it in yet"

My mate Paddy told me he is shagging twins, so i asked him "how do ya tell them apart?"

"Thats easy" he said "Tracey's got blonde hair............................... & Derek's got a cock"

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

Man sees a poster on a nearby burger van that reads: Hamburger - £1 Cheeseburger - £2, Hand Jobs - £3. He casually walks up to the lady in the van and asks "Are you the lady giving the hand jobs"? She replies "I am". To which he says "Well wash your hands then, I would like a cheeseburger".

Moses is praying to God to release his people from bondage. God's voice suddenly booms down from the clouds: "Moses, I have good news and bad news!"
"Whats the good news" asks Moses. God replies "If the Pharoah will not let my people go I will send a rain of frogs, a plague of locusts, a plague of flies and I will turn the River Nile into blood."
"Wow!" Moses says.
"And if the Pharoah's army persues you, I shall open a path through the Red Sea only to close it again when you are safely through and drown his army."
"Thats incredible" says Moses - "but whats the bad news?"
God replies "the bad news is before I can do all this you must write an environmental impact statement"

Whats the definition of Yankee?

- same thing as quickie except you do it yourself

Teacher "What can cause premature ejaculation in men,and premature death in women?"
Jimmy "Breast can sir"

A man staying at a plush city hotel finds a card in the telephone box offering sexual services. He rings the number and says "I'd like a bit of doggy style, a 69 and some mild bondage - is that ok?" A lady on the other end of the line replies "It all sounds very interesting sir but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first".

I had unprotected sex the other day. I was wanking and the rubber glove came off

Two teenagers are found smoking a joint in a park. They're both arrested and taken to the jail, where the sergeant advises them they're entitled to one phone call. A short while later, a man enters the jail station. "I assume you're the kids' lawyer" says the sergeant. The man replies "Heck no, I'm here to deliver a pizza".