Jokes

Sky News: STD rates in the USA are the highest in the Western World.

That's because they have all bought Norton Anti-Virus and believed they were covered.

One evening, Mike went over to his friend's house to play cards with Terry and some other friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife Susan.
When Mike dropped a playing card on the floor and bent down to pick it up, he looked across underneath the table and saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open with no panties on. Mike then sat up and tried hiding the fact that he was flushed.

When Mike went into the kitchen to get a drink of water, to his surprise, Susan had followed him into the kitchen and said in a sultry voice, "Did you like what you saw?"
Mike replied with enthusiasm, "Yes, I did!"
Terry's wife then said, "Well, you can get more than a look, but it will cost you $500."
So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
Susan then said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work."
Mike said with a smile, "I'll see you then."

The next afternoon Mike went over, they had sex, he gave her the $500, then he left.
Later that evening, Terry came home and asked his wife, "Has Mike been over here today?"
Thinking she had been caught, she said, "As a matter of fact, he did."
Terry said, "Good! because that fool came by my office early this morning and asked to borrow $500. He said he'd pay me back before suppertime, which sounded a bit quirky, but I gave it to him anyway. He said he would probably leave the money with you."

I wish Sky would move babestation and the other lads programmes to a different range of channels.

The 9 key on my Sky remote control is fading, and my wife is growing suspicious.

A native american indian girl is talking to her mother. She asks "mummy, why is my eldest brother called sitting bull"? The mother replies "well one day your daddy and me opened the teepee and there was a bull sitting outside, so we named our first born after him." Then the girl says "and why is my other brother called running bear?" The mother replies "well one day we were out for a walk and a bear ran past us so we said we'd name our second child after him". The girl says "so the names are all based on animals you've seen. Is that why I'm called two dogs shagging?"

Three Men Killed Over Xbox 360 Theft..
That's still a kill streak right?

Just read that Joe Cole was Caught speeding the other day....Unfortunately for him it was also the only time he'll come away with 3 points this season.

What's worse than finding a fly in your soup?
A vein in your hot dog.

Two WPC's are on foot patrol with their alsatian. "I'm getting a bit cold and i've left my knickers at the station" says the first, to which her colleague replies "Use the dog. Give him a sniff of your f*nny and he'll fetch them for you". So she lets the dog sniff her and he bounds off back to the station. Two hours later he returns with a truncheon, a plastic baton and three of the sargeant's fingers.


I went to the doctor when i was in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While she was cupping my dangly bits, she said "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination". I said, "I haven't got an erection!!!" She replies "No, but i have!"

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the tooth-pick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp who also asks for a tooth-pick. He get his tooth-pick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The landlord says "Don't tell me, you want a tooth-pick too"

"No, a straw" the tramp replies. The landlord gives him a straw, but is curious to why he wants it, so he asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a tooth-pick.

To which the tramp replies "Some bloke's just thrown up outside but all the good stuff's gone already"


Dear teenage girls, if your boyfriend sparkles and refuses to have sex with you, he isn't a vampire. He's gay.


My wife said "I want to f*ck a black guy because 'apparently' they've all got massive cocks"

I said "Well i'd like to f*ck your sister, because 'apparently' i really enjoyed the blow job she gave me at our wedding reception"

Two ladies are visiting a zoo. They go to the giraffe enclosure and see a male giraffe standing by the fence. "Look at the size of his balls" says one lady, "Y'know I think I could squeeze them from here." So she reaches through the bars of the enclosure, grabs the giraffe's balls and clenches her fist. The giraffe's eyes open wide, he lets out a bellow and leaps out of the enclosure and dashes off. A zookeeper runs over - "whats happened" he says, "what did you do?" The ladies tell him they squeezed the giraffe's balls. The zookeeper says "well you'd better squeeze mine aswell - I'm going to have to catch the bastard"

A woman goes out on the pull. She meets this dwarf bloke and they go back to hers.
They're in bed together for a while, when she finally cums.
"Oh, that was incredible!" she pants.
"Yeah? says the dwarf "wait until I put my other foot in!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

My wife and I have completely different standards when it comes to housework.

When cleaning the toilet, She wipes the seat, bleaches and scrubs the bowl, flushes, bleaches once more and leaves for half an hour before flushing again.

When I clean the toilet, I just piss as hard as possible on the shit stains.

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"