Jokes

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back .

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat..

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they
land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?".

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on Quality St. It was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! He slipped his hand into her Snickers & showed her his CurlyWurly. Not keen to have Jelly Babies she let him have her up Bourneville Boulevard. She screamed with Turkish Delight! As he took out his fun sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie & she wanted some Time Out but he did a Twirl & came in a very Milky Way.

Past, present and future met in a bar. It was tense.


Paddy the painter would often thin his paint so it would go further. So when the church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Paddy was able to put in the low bid and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding, the job almost finished, there was a tremendous clap of thunder and the skies opened. The ensuing downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and a bolt of lightning knocked Paddy off his scaffold and onto the lawn.

Laying amongst the gravestones surrounded by puddles of thinned and worthless paint, Paddy knew this was a warning from the almighty, so he got on his knees and cried : "Oh Lord, Forgive me! What should i do?"

And amidst the peels of thunder, a mighty voice boomed out : "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"


Vladamir Kurtz, the Russian bell ringer exiled for ringing his church bells all through the night, has been awarded this year's no-peace bell prize


Today, a man who stole £10 of fuel from a petrol station in London was given 6 months, 10 points and a coke glass

What's red and bad for your teeth?

- A brick.

Two policemen are walking the beat when one says "When I get home I'm going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife's underwear." The other policeman says "Feeling randy?" The first one replies "No, its the elastic, its killing me"

An octopus walks in to a bar & says he can play any instrument. So a bloke gives him a guitar, & he plays like Hendrix, the bloke says "I bet you can't play the piano", the octopus plays like Elton. A jock gives him some bagpipes, the octopus fumbles with them & looks confused, the jock says "Can ye nae play em"? The octopus says "Play it? i'm gonna fuck it when i get it's pyjamas off!"

A man goes to the doctor. He says to the doctor "I suffer from premature ejaculation, can you help me?" The doctor replies "No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span"

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.
Roland, the teachers pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My grandma says there's a bug going round and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Sean jumps up and says in a broard Irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious."