Jokes

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner....

Talk about Dyson with Death....

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A soldier comes home on leave, and tells his wife about his parachute training. "It was terrible" he says, "I was in the plane, ready to jump and suddenly I froze. Couldn't move. The sergeant came up behind me, got out this enormous dick of his and said he'd stick it up my arse if I didn't jump." "Oh my god!" said his wife, "so did you jump?" The soldier replies "well yes, a little bit.. at first.."

Two nuns are in their car waiting at the traffic lights when a car of young lads pulls up next to them.
"Oi, get yer tits out Penguin!" shouts one of the lads. Sister Nancy turns to Sister Clare.
"I don't think they know who we are, just show them your cross."
So Sister Clare hangs out of the window and shouts

"Fuck off you little Bastards or I'll give you a slap!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
- They're both full of stiffs.

What do condoms & Kodak have in common.... They both capture the moment.

A penis says to his balls: "Right, lads get ready & I'll take you to a party." The balls reply, "You fucking liar, you always go inside & leave us outside knocking!"

Lunatic escapes from an asylam through front door. Two women cleaners are kneeling scrubbing front door steps. Lunatic lifts each cleaners skirt and has his way with them and then makes his escape.

Headline next day in local paper-- Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

Frank is struggling to decide what to wear to his mate Pete's fancy dress party. After days of agonising, he finally hits on the perfect solution. He goes to the party and knocks on the door, when Pete answers, he finds Frank standing there with no shirt, no trousers and no socks on, wearing nothing but his underwear. "What the hell are you meant to be?" asks Pete. "I'm a premature ejaculation" says Frank. "I just came in my pants."

A girl says to her mother "My boyfriend boasts to everyone that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world." Her mother replies "oh thats a shame... I thought he liked you."

All that manhunt malarkey in Rothbury took far too long to sort out. Why didn't the police just write a letter back to Raoul Moat and follow the postman to see where he delivered it?

There have been so many jokes about the Northumbria shootings. I don't find them even Raoul Moatly funny.

Italy 1990, England 1996 & Rothbury 2010.... Whenever Gazza's involved in a shootout it always ends in tears.


Not to everyones liking these sort of jokes, but i thought i'd test the water???