Jokes

Paddy n Murphy win £9m on the Lottery. Camelot says, "We'll give you £3m this year, £3m next year & £3m the year after that." Paddy says, "If your gonna fuck me about just give me my pound back."

A lion is roaming the jungle looking for something to eat. He comes across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book, and the other typing on a typewriter. The lion quickly pounces on the man reading the book and eats him... because even the King of the Jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elavator. Looks up to see this huge black guystanding next to him. The big guy see,s the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and say,s "7ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 6 pounds of testicles, "Turner Brown". The little Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, by shaking him. The big guy say,s what,s wrong with you? In a weak voice the little Irishman say,s "what exactly did you say to me"? The big guy say,s " i saw your curious look and figured i would just give you the answers to the questions everyone always ask me. "im 7ft tall, i weigh 350 pounds, i have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown. The Irishman say,s "Turner Brown" Sweet Jazus, i thought you said "turn around"!!

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender puts a glass in front of the man, who immediately snatches it up and throws the beer in the bartender's face. "What did you do that for?" shouts the bartender. "I'm so sorry" says the man, "its a mental condition I have. I'm so ashamed. I can't order drinks without throwing the first one in someone's face. I'm so embarrassed about it." The bartender says "listen, one of my customers is a psychiatrist. I'm sure he can cure you. Here, I'll give you his card." Next week, the man returns to the bar and says "thanks for putting me on to that psychiatrist. He's helping me get my problem under control." The bartender says "great, lets celebrate. Here's a beer on the house." The bartender passes the man a beer, who again flings it straight in his face. "Whats going on?!" shouts the bartender, "I thought you said you were getting better?" The man replies "I am getting better. I still throw beer in people's faces but now it doesn't embarrass me at all."

A Newmarket horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win easily , but when she raced during the day she would always come last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.

He finally had to give up because she had become a real night mare.

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

“What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe.

“Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.

Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”

The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”

Artie answers, “No.”

The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”

So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”

The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”

Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”

The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”

Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”

What is a cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They’re moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.