Jokes

A man goes into the doctors. "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had ten silent gas emissions. On the way to your office I had five silent gas emissions. And while sitting in your waiting room, I had three silent gas emissions. In fact, I've just had two more while sitting here."

The doctor replies "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

Little Johnny runs into class late. "I'm sorry miss" he says. "I'm late because I had to make my own breakfast this morning." The teacher accepts this as an excuse, but as punishment makes him stand in front of the class and answer some geography questions. "Now Johnny" she says, "Tell me where the Scottish Border is."

Little Johnny replies "In bed with mum.... thats why I had to make my own breakfast"

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A Frenchman staying at a London hotel phones room service. "I would like some pepper please". Room service replies "Certainly sir. Black pepper or white pepper?" The Frenchman replies "neither - toilet pepper!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

JOKE OF THE YEAR 2010.

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business------

I just got this in an email

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen

I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me,
a gorgeous blonde gets out and yells "RAM ME UP THE FUCKIN' ARSE WHY DON'T YOU"
This "Your Honour" is where I believe all the confusion began.....