Jokes

what kate and dodi fayed got in common?

both had there finger in diana's ring!

Took the shell off a snail to speed it up a bit, but it ended up even more sluggish.

A man gets bummed by an elephant. He later sees the doctor.
The doctor asks why his arse-hole is stretched to 10 inches, when an elephant's penis is usually only 4 inches wide. The man replies
"The dirty bastard fingered me first!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A butterfly flew over two catterpillars.
One said to the other "You'll never get me up in one of those things".

Heard this on the tv last night

Some people think that onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry

(Press button for punch line)

An elderly man was driving on the motorway when his mobile phone rang. It was his wife. "Arnold" she said, "I just heard on the news there's a car driving the wrong way down the motorway, please be careful."

"Hell!" exclaimed Arnold, "Its not just one car, its hundreds of them!"

Bloke drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow.
"Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.
"It's been in my loft for 40 years," the man replies "I think it's an heirloom"
"Do you have insurance?" the expert asks him.
"No should I?"
"Yeah," says the expert "It's your fucking water tank."

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

What food decreases a woman's sex drive by about 70%?

- Wedding Cake

In a recent survey in a magazine, women were asked ! is your fanny still sensitive " 10 mins after sex ? 98% answered no!! He's asleep

A farmer and his wife are preparing their wedding anniversary dinner. The wife says "shall I go out and kill a chicken?" The husband replies "why blame a bird for something that happened 20 years ago?"