Jokes

"Mummy, can I lick the bowl out when you've finished?"

"No! Pull the flush like everybody else!!"

Paddy and Mick decide to emigrate to Britain as they've heard that the streets of London are paved with gold.

They get off the boat train and as they're walking out of the station they see a ten pound note lying on the pavement.

"Nah, leave it there, Mick...we'll start on Monday!!"

If Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman tossed you off, would you be watching Come Dancing?

A couple are in their lounge, watching the telly. Hubby keeps flicking channels...

footy.... porn....
footy.... porn....
footy.... porn....

Eventually, the wife says "Leave it on the porn, you know how to play football"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Just been given a Jehovahs witness advent calender, but every time I open a door someone tells me to fuck off.
.

Paddy and Mick are propping up a bar, when a stranger walks in and asks how much Guinness costs. Upon being told it's £3 a pint he holds out £45 in notes.

"Fifteen pints of Guinness, please"

The barman pours the fifteen pints, lines them up on the counter, and the stranger drinks all fifteen of them, straight down, one after the other, says "thank you" to the barman, turns and walks out.

Paddy and Mick watch in admiration and Paddy says: "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label!"

Two idiots were pratting around in the High Street and eventually the police were called. It turned out that one of them had been drinking battery acid and the other one had been eating fireworks.

A police spokesman told the local newspaper: "one of them we charged, the other one we let off!"

There's 2 words I hate
Dont
and
Stop

Unless they are used together of course.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:



P...E...N...I...S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Never Assume That Men Understand.

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,

'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said,

'I'm not sure, maybe she choked?'