Jokes

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A magician works on a cruise ship. The audience is different each week, so he does the same act with the same tricks over and over again. However, the captain's parrot sees the same show every week and starts to get bored. It even starts heckling and giving away the magician's secrets. "Look its not the same hat! He's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" etc. The magician is furious but can't do anything and the situation continues until the ship hits a reef and sinks. The magician finds himself floating on a piece of wreckage with as fate would have it, the parrot. They both stare at each other with pure hatred without uttering a word. This goes on for three days. On the fourth day, the parrot can't contain itself any longer and says "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the bloody ship?"

A Priest and a Rabbi are sharing a compartment on a long train journey, and after a few drinks from the buffet car they get talking about their different beliefs. The Priest asks if the Rabbi has ever eaten pork. Well, yes, admits the Rabbi. He'd eaten it accidentally in recipes and had to come clean about when he was young he used to love the bacon sandwiches that his friend used to smuggle in for him.

But, asks the Rabbi, had the Priest ever had a woman and experienced the pleasures of the flesh? Well, yes, admitted the Priest, when he was in his teens and before he had decided to enter Holy Orders, yes, he had had several girlfriends.

The Rabbi smiled knowingly: "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure.

FIFA says: "England crossed the line."

Ohhh, you fucking noticed that one this time did you?

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A patient is asking a dentist about his prices. "How much for an extraction?" The dentist replies "seventy pounds."
"Seventy quid? For just a few minutes work?" complains the patient.
The dentist replies "I can make it last all afternoon if you like"

Tell me about it! The last time I went to the dentist he asked me:

"Are you an NHS patient or would you like an anaesthetic?"

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked for her name.
“It's Polo, I’m the one with the hole,” she said with a Wispa.
“I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts,” he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But three days later his Sherbert Dib Dab started to itch.
It turns out that Miss Rowntree had earlier been with Bertie Basset and he had Allsorts!