Jokes

I was sat down on a public toilet today, when a voice came from the next cubicle.
"Hello mate, how you doing?"
I thought it was a bit strange, but didn't want to be rude, so I said "Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause I heard the voice again. "so, what are you up to?"
I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "just having a quick shit, how about yourself?"
Then I heard him say -
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the next cubicle answering everything I say."

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A couple go out to dinner to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary. On the way home the wife notices a tear in her husband's eye and wondered if he was getting sentimental about the occasion. "No" he says, "I was thinking back to before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for thirty years if I didn't marry you. Well, tomorrow I would have been a free man.."

The mention of Thailand a few jokes back reminds me of the long-married couple that go on holiday to Thailand, and the husband is determined to sneak away to try one of the brothels. He makes up some story and succeeds in getting away from his wife for a few hours and soon finds himself in one of the establishments.

He chooses a girl he likes and she says "cost thousand dollar, Joe"

He offers her just $50 and she replies "no, cost is $800 dollar, Joe"

As expected, she drops the price to $600, $400, $200 but he just won't budge from $50, and after she's gone down to $100, which was about the going rate, but he still won't offer any more, she gets pissed off with him, says "you waste my time, tight-arse" and storms off.

That afternoon, he is out shopping with his wife and quite by chance who should be walking down the street towards them but the prostitute.

She takes one look at the wife and says:

"See what you get for $50????"

this is from killsometime.com i first read this a few yeas ago when i was at uni.

CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

The England cricket team were going to have a case of vintage wine with their celebration dinner but they couldn't drink it because Australia hasn't got any decent openers.....

INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were.............. a French guy......... an English bloke......... a little old Greek lady............... and a young blonde Swiss girl, with large breasts.

The Train went into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks !

The old lady thinks.................
The French guy, must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks................
That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed - fondled the old lady - and she slapped his cheek.

The French guy thinks...............
That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him - but missed and got me instead.

And the English bloke thinks..................
I can't wait for another tunnel - just so I can smack that French bastard again

The Parrot

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Why dont Ken and Barbie have any kids? Ken comes in a different box.

Two men are playing football in a public park when suddenly a crazed rottweiler dives out of a bush and launches itself at one of the men and begins to viciously savage him.

Reacting quickly, the other man pulls a plank of wood out of an old fence and forces it into the dog's coller and twists it, breaking the dog's neck and killing it instantly.

Paramedics arrive and take his friend away for medical attention, and a man approaches the hero with a notepad and pen. He says, "I am reporter and I would like to write an article about your heroic deed!"
The hero agrees and the reporter writes a title for his article:

"Manchester United fan saves friend from vicious attack!"

The man reads this and says, "I'm not a Manchester United fan."

The reporter apologises and writes, "England fan saves friend from crazed animal!"

The man reads this and says, "I'm not a England fan."

The reporter apologises again and asks what football team he supports.

The man replies, "Liverpool."

The reporter nods and quickly writes, "SCOUSE BASTARD MURDERS FAMILY PET!"

A bellybutton looked down and saw that his friend the dick was looking miserable, so he asked what was wrong.

"It must be this bloody New Year's resolution of his to keep fit" replied the dick......"every night he makes me do press-ups until I'm sick!"