Jokes

A solicitor in a brand new Mercedes parks up and opens his door just as a lorry drives past and takes his door off, and drives off.

The solicitor is left fuming.

The whole thing was witnessed by a policeman, who walks across to the inconsolable Solicitor.

"Just look at my Mercedes" screams the Solicitor adding "I'm a solicitor and I will sue the bastard".

The Policeman shakes his head in disbelief "I cant believe how materialistic you solicitors are, you are so angry about your car, you haven't noticed that your left arm has been ripped off".

The solicitor looks down in horror....."My f*cking Rolex, where is my f*cking Rolex".

My Grandad said "It's gonna be a nightmare this winter, with this flu outbreak..."
I said "Yeah, tell me something I don't know."

(click the "spoiler" button for the daft punchline.)

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

A woman answers a knock at the door to see a Preist standing there.

Woman : "Can i help you, Father?"

Priest : "I've come across your little Johnny swearing in class"

Woman : "Oh for fuck's sake. It must be that fucking bitch and her kids next door. Always getting him into trouble. I think you'd better have a word with his father"

So she calls her husband out to talk to the Priest.

Husband : "What the fuck do you want?"

Priest : "I've come across you're little Johnny swearing in class"

Husband : "It's that fucking c*nt next door. Him and his missus will let their kids play with him. Bastards round here, the lot of 'em. Anyway, won't you stay and have a cup of tea while you're here, father?"

The Preist looks at his watch and says : "No thanks, i'd better fuckoff now i've got a mass in 10 minutes"

Little Johnnie is staying with his grandparents, and one evening is helping his Grandad in the garden. As they pull back some stones a worm starts wriggling out of the ground. Johnny bends down and pulls the worm out of its hole, and it starts squirming and wriggling in his fingers.

"Now, let's see you get the worm back into the hole" says Grandad "and I'll tell you what, if you can do it, I'll give you a pound for an ice-cream"

Johnny battles away trying to get the wriggling creature back into the earth and he is just about to give up when he has an idea, runs into the house and to Grandad's puzzlement comes back out with a can of spray starch. With a quick "s-s-s-s-s-t" the worm is solid and Johnny proudly slides it effortlessly into the hole.

"Well that's very good, Johnny, very well done"

The following morning they are having breakfast when Grandad turns to Johnny and says "there's that pound that I promised you.........and here's a tenner from your Granny!!"

Due to a water shortage in Northern Ireland, Belfast Swimming Baths have announced it will be closing lanes 7 and 8.

A woman goes to the doctor and complains her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says "I'm not sure I understand what you mean". The woman replies "Well the first 100% you can imagine but he has also burned his tongue and broken his finger".

Some amusing Golf Terminologies...

A Pee Wee Herman - too much wrist action.
A Rodney King - over-clubbed.
A Rock Hudson - looked straight, but wasn't.
A Paris Hilton - very expensive hole.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your @rsehole before prison.................


A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?..." After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.We all need companionship." he replied.

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"... "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"... "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us £2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"....


"OH, NO," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde wife the other day, and she suddenly said "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why's that?" I said. She replied, "Well, the kids in the back seat are writing on the window and it says 'stit ruoy su wohs!' "