Jokes

Mick goes on the Antiques Roadshow with a very rare vase.
Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?"
Mick says, "It was handed down to me."
Hugh asks, "Where from"
Mick replies "An upstairs window."

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Paddy shows an Essex girl the L and R labels in his wellies, explaining they mean "Left" and "Right".
"Oh!" she says "Now I understand the C and A label in my thong!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

It,s the end of the week and a milkman is out collecting his money, he stops at number 22 and knocks on the door. To his surprise the door is opened by a young boy, who looks no older than 10 or 11, in one hand he has a glass filled with brandy and in the other a large Cuban cigar. Holding on too each arm he has a beautiful scantily clad young woman, from the way they are dressed the milkman immediately realises they must be prostitutes. He turns to the boy and asks " are your parents at home son? ". The boy looks at the Milkman and replies " does it FUCKING look like it.

The science teacher is telling her pupils about the speed of light: "The speed of light is the fastest thing known to mankind", she says.

Little Johnny pipes up from the back of the class: "No it isn't miss, shit is!"

Horrified, the teacher exclaims: "What? How can you say that!"

Johnny answers: "Because last night when I was running to the toilet I shat myself before I could hit the light-switch!"

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere....."

I must warn you that these jokes are crude, sexist and politically incorrect.....so if you are easily offended that's just too bad!!:

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. Americans would eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a smear test called a smear test?
A. Because women wouldn't have them if they were called c*** scrapes.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

and finally.....

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dykes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

I thank you!

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the Groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?" he asks.
"Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there." Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.
"How's that?" he asks again more confident.
'That's wonderful! What did you do?"
"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Saw a fat bird walking down the street this morin.... She had a T-Shirt on saying ! i love Hip Hop on it .. i think the letters c & s must have fallen off ...

I remember when courting i used to pull my wife's knickers 2 one side 2 get at her arse " Now i have to pull her arse to one side 2 get at her knickers .