Jokes

A man enters the confession box and says "Bless me, father, for I have sinned"

"Bloody Hell!!" snaps the Priest "who let on that I was your father????"

A nun was having a quiet bath when she hears a knock on the door. "I'm in the bath" she calls out. "Its ok" says the man outside, "I'm a blind man." So she opens the door. "Nice tits" says the man, "now where do you want these blinds?"

A man has just married his new Thai bride the woman is young and rather innocent,they are upstairs changing before the reception and the husband is having a quick shave when he cuts himself "oh fuck" he says his bride asks "what does fuck mean ?" he thinks for a minute and not wanting to offend says "its just another word for cut" later on at the reception the bride stands up and says "ladies and gentlemen I am now going to fuck the cake" after a few seconds of stunned silence the vicar says "well in that case does anyone mind if I stick my cock in the trifle"

A darts player was competing in a tournament. He hits a twenty, followed by a treble twenty. He throws his third dart and it hits the wire on the board, bounces off into the crowd and hits a nun sitting in the front row. The dart hits her right through the eye and pierces her brain, killing her instantly.

The announcer calls "one nun-dead and eighty"

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the
instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a
straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of
the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that
moment on you will work together to create the embryo. "Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke
up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him.
He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern,
he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a
slower pace until he reached the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reached the red, sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled and
said "Hi, I'm a sperm." The red sticky ball smiled and said, "Hi. I'm a
tonsil."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."