Jokes

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.
"Open the f****** safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue, just open the safe or I'll blow your f****** head off!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it," he says.
She pries off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.
The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband...
"Not that f****** difficult, is it?" he says.

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole. Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him. “My name is Carmen,” she told him.

“That's a beautiful name,” he replied, “is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most: cars and men.

“What's your name?” she asked. He said, “B.J. Titsengolf.”

this is pretty graphic fyi!

SP Aristocrats by slybart

A man is walking through the woods when he happens upon a stranded deer which has become trapped by mesh. He approaches the deer, frees it and tends to its wounds before releasing it back into the woods.

Soon, he is approached by a man who says to him:

Hello! I am a forest fairy and I just witnessed and was very impressed by the good deed you performed back there with that deer and would like to reward you by granting you three wishes!

Oh, ok then! Well, first off, I've never had much money and would like enough to be comfortable for for the rest of my life!

No problem! When you leave these woods you will come into riches and your wish will be granted! Now for your second wish!

Well, I've never been very successful with women and would like to marry a stunning babe who will love me for what I am!

Fine! When you leave these woods you will meet such a woman and your wish will be granted! Now for your final wish...

Well, I only have a small house and would love a big house without having to break into my new-found wealth and where I would live with the woman of my dreams!

No problem! When you leave these woods you will acquire such a property! But before I grant you your three wishes would you please allow me to bum you?

No way! I'll just be on my way thank-you!

Oh come on - look what you'll gain from it all, and anyway it'll just be for a few minutes and won't hurt much as I've only got a small penis anyway!

The man reconsiders and decides to go ahead with the ordeal in order to gain his reward. So the forsest fairy is bumming him when he suddenly asks the man:

By the way, how old are you?

Thirty-four!

WHAT! Thirty-four, and you still believe in fairies???

The local priest was walking down the street when Paddy stumbled out the door of one of the bars.

"Paddy" says the priest while shaking his head. I'm afraid i'll not be seeing you in heaven one day."

"Why not father?" slurrs Paddy. "What have you done?"

The missus asked me to go shopping and buy something to make her look sexy.

You should have seen her face when i arrived home with 12 cans of lager!!!

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Nintendo have brought out a game in which a 14 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing cars, stabbing people and robbing houses. It's called Wii Bastard.