Jokes

A vampire walks into a bar and says "Boiling water please" The barman say's "I thought you lot only drank blood" The vampire pull's out a used tampon and says "I'm making a brew"

3 couples go camping, men in one tent and women another. 1 bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his mate lying next to him and says "I'm going next door to fuck my missus, I've got the biggest hard-on I've ever had" his mate replies "I'd better come with you then cos it's my cock you've got hold of"

83 fish in a tank. 27 drowned. How many fish are left?? Stop counting stupid fish can't drown!

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
spotted owl."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

A man walks into the confessional in church and starts, "Father, I used the "F word" the other day."

The Father replies, "Why don't you tell me about it."

"I was out playing golf. I teed off...",

The Father interjects, "That's when you used the "F-word". You missed the ball."

The man replies, "No Father. It was the best drive I've ever hit. It went way out on the fairway and at the last minute it sliced over.."

The Father interjects again, "That's when you used the "F-word"."

"No Father. You see the ball hit a big tree and bounced to the other side of the fairway..."

Again the Father Interjects, "That's when you used the "F-word"?"

"No Father. After the ball went on the other side of the fairway, it hit a big rock and bounced within 3 inches of the cup."

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!"

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and
pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor.
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

my grandad said "liverpool are shit this year our kid".
i said "tell me something i don't no gramps".
he replied "your nana's arse can take my whole fist!" .

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.
"Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.
"It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's a family heirloom," says Paddy.
"Do you have any insurance?" asks the expert.
"Should i?" asks Paddy.
..."Yes you should,"
says the expert.
"It's your fucking water tank!"

God only created beer to stop the irish from conquering the world!!!!