Jokes

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly.
"Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out your penie-pipe.
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"

Man comes home to find his 17 year old daughter with a pink dildo up her fanny! "What the fuck are you doing" he shouts she says "Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute" she explains. Next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a can of beer in one hand and the pink dildo up his arse! "What the fuck are you doing" she shouts. He says "Just having a drink with your boyfriend"

When is the only time a man multi-tasks? When he's watching porn, wankings and keeping an eye on the door.

They have found a cure for homosexuality! Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

The Catholic Church have bought out a contraceptive pill for men you put it in your shoe and it makes you Limp

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my chick, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the fucking roof

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, ok..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "Sweetie, this just isn't your day!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon... You got nice house!"

i've got a wonderful word with ways.... i mean a wonderful way with words!