Jokes

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli !!!

A gypsy girl is about to get married. Her mum says "Emerald, you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession in to where you piss?" The girl replies "shut up Ma - how the fuck's he gonna fit his transit van in the sink?"

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.

He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

"Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
PS: Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here."

in 2002 the Queen had been on the throne for 50 years.
would JUBILEE vit?

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

This bloke came up to me in the pub bragging about how he really loves having sex with my mum. i said dad Fuck off home, you're Pissed!!!!

If a gypsy wins the lottery, does he get paid with travellers cheques??

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"