Jokes

i met the inventor of crosswords earlier
i can't remember his name, but it was p, something, t, something, something

i remember at school, bullies used to call me names
i remember one time they said, "oi, names! get over 'ere so we can kick you!"

i hit my mate with a pillow the other day, he ended up with a con-cushion

i went to the bakery earlier, i said, "i wanna ring doughnut", he said, "sorry, there's no phone here, try somewhere else... and i don't know his number, anyway!"

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

a man who don't get jokes went into a bar, and said, "i'll have a pint, please" lol

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

can you imagine being a vacuum cleaner? that must suck!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve

your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken