Jokes

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

A Woman asks her husband if he would pay £20,000 to have her breasts enlarged

"No way" he says

"theres a much easier way to make them bigger and its free, just rub some toilet paper between them every day and in time they will grow much much bigger"

"Will that really work" she asks

He replied "well its worked on your arse hasnt it"

Kevin, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on and the news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Kevin and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Kevin says, "Yes, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Kevin placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!
"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Kevin, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Kevin replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde said, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Kevin took the money...

Molly Meldrum, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-drunk, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"It's your turn now, Molly" grinned Robbie, but Molly started crying.

Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Molly? What's wrong?"

Molly sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

"All these unhappy babies.... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."

The nurse says "Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the THERMOMETER out of his arse"!!

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

A man is out shopping in the supermarket with his wife one day when he sees 20 cans of beer for £20 he picks up the cans when his wife stops him "£20 thats too much to spend on beer" she says

"you spent £40 on make-up yesterday" he protests

"but it makes me look beautiful" she says

he replies "so does the beer but its £20 cheaper