Jokes

Mrs Donovan was walking down O,Connel street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said " Top of the morning to ye", arent ye Mrs Donovan and didnt i marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago? She replied "aye, that ye did Father". The Father asked "and be there any little ones yet"? She replied "no not yet Father". The Father said, "Well now i am going to Rome next week and i,ll light a candle for you and yer hoosband". She replied,"Oh thank you Father" and they parted way,s. Some years later they met again. The Father asked,"Well Mrs Donovan, How are you these day,s"? She replied "Oh very well Father". The Father asked" And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet.? She replied "Oh yes, three sets of twins, and four single ones, ten in all". The Father said, "And how is yer hoosband doing"? She replied, " he,s gone to Rome to blow out yer fooking candle"

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where
they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting
time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He
quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly
line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they
started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to
find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part
but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination
showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in
the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his
laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
Two----Test----Tickles."

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

osama and son killed . that's the first time i can remember the bins being taken out on a bank holiday

whilst celebrating arsenals victory yesterday perhaps it was a little unwise of bin laden to rush out into his yard shouting "come on you GUNNERS"

what do you call a rabbit with a wonky cock? fucks funny

four days off, a royal wedding, norwich getting promoted, man utd losing, bin laden killed, carlsberg dont do bank holidays. but they thought fuck it we'll do this one

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother's just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out of the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no f.....g bike."

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker.
It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr.Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly,3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!