Jokes

toilets, they take the piss, don't they?

i heard that some builders filled in a snake pit, now the snakes ain't got a pot to piss in... i mean a pit to hiss in!

old optician had a farm, E-Y-E-I-C
and on that farm he had some... erm... well, the joke is the optician/e-y-e-i-c bit so he didn't really have a farm to begin with... and glasses wouldn't sound right, would it?... anyway, i'll shut up before i start to ramble on...

speaking of rambling, i phoned up the ramblers club and he just went on and on and on

i also phoned up the amputee hotline and... i got cut off!!

if you're an earl of somewhere, and you get an O.B.E, do you then become an earlobe?

What do you call a dog with two cocks?

N-DUBZ.

i did have a joke about a hangman's noose, but it's a bit ropey!

A Real Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped . .

Then he spoke, 'Iron this . . . and get me a beer.'

Revised 60's hits

Some of the artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least:

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

My CV

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef -figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was as a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I eventually quit because it was always the same old grind.