Jokes

Priceless!!!!

A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a case of beer and puts in into the shopping trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on special, only £10 for 24 cans" he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies. "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price!"

Ryan Giggs admits he is homesick even after spending 20 plus years living in Manchester he still does miss Wales

(27-05-2011 01:30 )rover Wrote:  My CV

I started out as a trainee circumsisor......but I got the sack!

Girl in short skirt but no knickers at the top of the stairs on a bus shouts down to the conductor, "Is this Ealing?" He says "From down here it looks like it could do with a dozen stitches!"

A blonde woman hires a tennis instructor. After several attempts,it is clear she's not very good at the game. The instructor suggests,''Try holding the racket like you hold your partners penis''. Straight away,the blonde is much better,hitting the balls with force and precision. Impressed,the instructor then say's,''Very good,now try taking the racket out of your mouth''

The wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and walked into the bedroom. She said to me "Babe, shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me naked".
"don't worry" I replied, "if the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own fuckin curtains!"

Hear about the cheeky washing-machine- it take's the piss out your knickers

A woman's in hospital and in a coma, the nurse's gave her a bed-bath and when they were finisher they said to the ladies husband "we noticed that when we washed between your wife's legs that there was some response,do you think if you gave her a bit of oral sex it might help her, after all we've tried everything medical" the husband frowned and said "oh no, no way am I doing that" the nurse's said "well have a wee think about it" the husband thinks for a bit then say's "ok I think I'll give it a try" so away he goes, ten minutes later the ladies monitor flatline's and alarm bells are ringing the nurse's burst in and shout "whats happened what have you done" the husband is pulling up his zip and say's "I think she's choked"

A man dies and goes to hell but is astonished when he's shown into a room full of beautiful blondes and huge barrel kegs of beer. The man says to a nearby demon "you call this hell? Its my idea of heaven!" The demon replies "not so fast, sonny - the kegs all have holes in them and the blondes don't."

I'm going to India for my holidays next week and wanted to know what the weather was going to be so I rang my bank.

peter beardsley is the latest footballer linked to a super injunction, apparently the bird he shagged doesn't want to be named!