Jokes

I HAVE A PENIS AND TESTICLES!... and that's no cock and bull story.... actually, i s'pose it is, innit? lol

Its night time and two drunks are walking down the road. One looks up at the sky and says "Here, is that the moon up there?" The other drunk replies "dunno, I'm a stranger round here"

An old guy turns round to his wife on night in bed. "Mary I've been very happily married to you for 40 years, but in all that time you've never given me a blow job, why ?"
Well Jim, I've wanted to but"
"go on" he said
"I thought you might not respect me anymore"
"of course I will" he insisted.
Reassured by this she duly performed the act.
"was that good my darling" she said.
"yes,wonderfull" he replied, "now make me a brew you cock sucking bitch "

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Last weekend I went to London and had sex with a model, I was then thrown out of Madame Tussauds

A driver pulls up next to a traffic warden. "If I park on these double yellow lines and pop over the road to post a letter will you give me a ticket?" asks the driver. "Of course I will" replies the warden. "But these other cars are parked on double yellow lines" argues the driver. "I know" replies the warden, "but they didn't ask me to give them a ticket"

doctor: when did you realise you had such bad diarrheah?

man: when I took my bicycle clips off

i told my gran i've got a new job where i have live sex on stage. she said " are you having me on" i said i'll ask my boss but i can't promise anything

wayne rooney has used coleens pubic hair for his hair transplant! apparently the success rate is much higher if transplanted from one twat to another!