Jokes

The job interviewer asked "whats your name?" colin fucking bastard wilson. "do you suffer from tourettes colin" no but the vicar at my christening did

My girlfriend told me she was dumping me, on account of me being so immature - as she walked out the door I flicked a bogey at her.

60 year old goes into a gym and says to the trainer, "which machine should i use to make me attractive to young lady's" Trainers reply " There's an ATM machine just round the corner":(

A father and son go into a grocery store and see a display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes. The father replies "well, you see that 3 pack? Thats for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night." "What's the 6 pack for?" asks the son. The father replies "that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday morning." "So what's the 12 pack for?" asks the son. The father replies "that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February....."

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.
"Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.
"It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's a family heirloom," says Paddy.
"Do you have any insurance?" asks the expert.
"Should i?" asks Paddy.
"Yes you should," says the expert. "It's your fucking water tank!

A gorilla dies at the zoo. The zoo hires a keeper to pretend like he is a gorilla for a while until they get a new one. He does great for a while until one day, excited by the crowd, he swings on a branch and the branch breaks. He falls straight into the lions den. With the lion looking at him, he becomes very afraid and yells
"Someone help me, HELP!"
The lion charges over to him and says "Shut up! your gonna get us both fired!"

Kate Moss is getting married. She has tied the knot before, but last time it was a tourniquet around Pete Doherty's arm.

a man who don't get jokes got kicked by a cow and got the hump, then later he got kicked by a camel and was udder-ly devastated!

After examining a 3,000 year old mummy, an archaeologist announces that its the body of a man who died of a heart attack. "How can you tell?" asks one of the students. "I examined a piece of parchment found in the mummy's hand" replies the archaeologist. "It was a betting slip that said 5,000 on Goliath."

He who laughs last, is only pretending to get the joke