Jokes

Wife says to her husband "You only ever want sex when you are drunk".
Husband replies "thats not true.......sometimes i want a kebab".

Did you hear about the bloke sacked from the dodgems?
He sued for funfair dismissal.

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.

i asked someone, "i want to go to that place in peru, do you know what it's called?", and they said, "machu picchu?", and i said, "bless you, but seriously, do you know what it's called?"

payback is a bitch
life is also, for some reason, a bitch
does that mean life is payback? lol

Paddy and Mick fancy a pint but only have a quid between them.

Paddy says "I've got an idea". He goes into the nearest butchers and comes out with a large Cumberland sausage.
Mick says "Are you mad? Now we have no money at all!!"
Paddy replies "Ah, now don't you be worrying, its ok, just follow me" and he leads Mick into the nearest pub and orders 2 pints of Guinness.

As the barman is ringing the drinks into the till with his back to them, Paddy tells Mick to knock back his pint, then he puts the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and says "quick Mick, get down on your knees and put the sausage in your mouth".

The barman turns around from the till, goes beserk at what he thinks he's seeing and immediately chucks them out, not bothering about the fact that they hadn't paid. They repeat this at every pub, and get away with it every time. But at the tenth pub Mick says "look, Paddy, I dont think I can do this anymore....I'm drunk and my knees hurt..."

To which Paddy replies: "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the first pub!!!!"

A man goes to the doctor with a painful leg. The doctor hears a tiny voice coming from the man's kneecap and listens with his stethoscope. The kneecap keeps saying "lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner..." The man then says, "my ankle hurts aswell." The doctor listens there and hears another tiny voice coming from the ankle. "Lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner..." it says. The doctor tuts and says "This is worse than I thought. Your leg is broke in two places."

A golf pro is giving a husband and wife lessons starting on the driving range. The husband goes first and strikes the ball 100 yards. "Not bad, now hold the club as firm as you hold your wifes breasts" says the pro. The husband hits the next ball 300 yards. "Excellent, now its your turn" says the pro as he turns to the wife. She strikes her first shot 50 yards. "Not bad at all" says the pro. "Now try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick". She hits a ball 10 yards. "Ok not to worry, now try taking the club out of your mouth to strike the ball".

I saw a Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied, "Achh-neeee!"

A bloke walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've accidently got a strawberry stuck up my backside."
The doctor says "Dont worry, I think I have some cream for that!"

I couldn't believe it when I saw that Adele was the contestant on "Cash in the Attic", and raised more than £4,000 to pay for her recent boob-job.

I've heard of "Tit for Tat" but that's ridiculous!

i posted this in the bizzare thread but thought it was good enough to post here as well. emma's comment makes the joke even funnier!
(guess what colour her hair is!)