Jokes

i heard that 5 out of 3 people can't do maths

i heard that if you put 20,000 pieces of paper end to end... you've got WAY too much time on your hands lol

if you go to the bakery and you wanna ring doughnut... they don't have a phone... or his number lol

i played table football the other day and i scored 147 goals!... although, it might've been a snooker table

i was sitting traffic the other day and... i got run over

50% of people, and that's almost half.... can't do percentages lol

what is sex with a photographer like?... over in a flash! lol

what does a rock get caught between? two hard places?

i spilled carpet cleaner, what should i do?!

The wife suggested I got myself one of those penis enlargers. So I did.... She's 21 and her name is Lucy.

I went out with a girl who punched me in the face every time she had an orgasm. I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them.

Setanta has just won the rights to broadcast the World Oragami Championships...............unfortunately it's only available on paper view.

Fart Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says "1-0".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "The equaliser 1-1"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Back in front 2-1".

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "What a Goal 2-2".
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Penalty kick 3-2 to me".

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

Ryan Giggs wife has announced that she has left him, and taken half of everything. She now has 6 more Premier League medals than Steven Gerrard.

A man says to his wife ” I fancy kinky sex, how about I come in your ear?"
The wife says: "no, I might go deaf!"
Man says:"well I’ve been coming in your mouth for 20 years & you're still talking!"