Jokes

A vampire walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of boiling hot water "The barman says to him, what do you want that for, I thought you lot only drank blood" "Yes we do but I'm making a brew" as the vampire pulled out a used tampon.

For all you Star Trek fans who think all the jokes are about Kirk and Spock, let's not forget Dr "Bones" McCoy.....and if Whoopah thinks he tells the worst jokes, I throw down a challenge with these...


Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.
Bones: He's Ed, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger?
Bones: He's fed Jim.

Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim.

Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.

Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ...
McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan?
Bones: He's sled, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim.

Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list?
McCoy: He's Zed, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI?
McCoy: He's Fed, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed!
McCoy: He sped, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim.

KIrk: Bones, what about Ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim.

Spock: Captain! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a phaser! What's wrong with him?
Kirk: He's bones, Spock.

How do you stop your mother-in-law from drowning?
Take your foot off her head.

I wouldn't say my mother-in-law's ugly, but round our way the peeping tom's are giving themselves up to the police.

My mother-in-law's so ugly she visited a haunted house and came away with an application form.

When she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

A man walks into the dentist's surgery and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

because it didn't seem to be posted, i'll say (or type) it again

did you hear about the cartoon dog going deep-sea diving?.. it was SCUBA dooby doo!

I went into a Chinese Take-away and asked for an Onion Curry with no Beef, the guy serving says that they dont serve that here, I said thats funny I was served it last time I came in here

My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave" I said, "I hope you do, I'm being buried at sea".

I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law. I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

I've got a friend who's a private investigator,or gynaecologist as he likes to be called.

the beckhams who calls their daughter half-past seven