Jokes

A man says to his friend "did you hear about the man who invented a rubber suit to protect construction workers if they fall off a tall building?" His friend replies "did it work?" - The man replies "yes, but when he tried it he bounced around for so long he starved to death"

Two dwarves are walking through the back streets after a heavy night on the town when they pass a brothel. One looks at the other.
"What do you reckon? Should we finish the night with a bang?" he asks.
"Yeah, why not?" replies the other, so they go in, pick the girls they want and head up to the rooms.

The first dwarf is in a bit of a state due to drink, and no matter what the young lady does he just can't get an erection.
To make it worse, he's right next door to his friend and his young lady, and all he can hear from the room is, " HUUUURRRGH!!........HUUUURRRGH!!" so eventually he apologises to the girl, pays and leaves.

The next day the two dwarfs meet up and share their stories.
"It was so embarrassing," said the first dwarf, "I just couldn't get it up."

"You think that's bad?" replied the second, "I couldn't even get up onto the bed!"

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten pound note in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the dog, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the dog home. The dog enters a block of flats, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"No he isn't - that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Golf...Putting the putting into putting.

I went to a fancy dress party last Saturday dressed as a clitoris.I felt like a bit of a fanny.

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???...... A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

A girl was wanking me off the other day,she looked up at me & said "My God you've got an enormous dick" ! I replied "you pulling me leg"

I'm not saying my mother-in-law's ugly, but she uses her bottom lip as a shower cap.

Your Mum is so fat, that when she jumped in the air, she got stuck