Jokes

what's got four legs and says "boo"? a cow with a cold

i tried sniffing some coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose

did you hear about the atheist dyslexic? he didn't believe there was a dog

what does DNA stand for? the National Dyslexics Association

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? he sold his soul to santa

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

A Bloke goes to the doctors and says: "I feel like a cowboy" Doctor says: "How long have you been like that?" Fella says: "About a YEE HAA!"

After 35 years of marriage, my wife said to me in the pub: "We used to be exciting and romantic - where did the magic go?" I picked up my deck and said: "Go on, pick a card... any card."

The village idiot went to the ironmonger for some nails. "How long do you want them?" asked the shopkeeper. "Well, I want to keep them," said the idiot.

Dumb Exam Answers

How can you delay milk turning sour? 'Keep it in the cow'

Use the word 'diploma' in a sentence: 'Our pipes were leaking so my dad called diploma'

What is a Hindu? 'It lays eggs'

What is a turbine? 'Something an Arab wears on his head'

Who succeeded the first president of the USA? 'The second one'

Use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence: 'I have a coat with nine buttons, but i can only fascinate'

When did Julius Caesar die? 'A few days before his funeral'

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties. He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!" Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!". The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"

my girlfriend said i was nosy...she didnt tell me, i found out by looking in her diary

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"