Jokes

I took this really kinky girl home the other night,we had the weirdest sex ever.She kept putting ants up my arse.I said "this is a bit weird" "A bit weird" she replied "you wait til the Aardvark gets here"

My mother-in-law's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

NEWS JUST IN - Three woman have been killed by someone using a bowling ball, police fear it's just a matter of time before the killer strikes again.

My housemate's moving out because of my OCD. I said "Open and close the door five times on your way out!"

iPad users: Stick a photograph of your face on the back of your iPad so your friends and family don't forget what you look like!

My Girlfriend just dumped me, when I asked why she said "because you're immature, PERIOD," I said " You said period "

I was in the pub with my old dad when we got talking to a German lorry driver. He was going on and on about how the Germans were much more efficient than us Brits. He said he had driven from Germany to Dover in just two hours, yet when he got to the warehouse across the road he had to wait four hours to get unloaded. He said sneeringly: "you British are very slow." My old dad turned to him and said: "The last time I had to do a delivery in Germany, it took me just a couple of minutes to unload." The German said: "There you are - that's us Germans for you. What sort of vehicle did you have?" My dad replied: " A Wellington bomber."

My girlfriend just said to me "Did you know butterflies only live for 2 days ?" I said " Honey I think that's a myth" She said "No it's definitely a butterfly"

I've been unemployed for months but I've just got a job as a lift engineer. At last I've got a feeling that I'm going up in the world.

A new survey shows that women with big tits are smarter that women with small tits.Although to be fair the man conducting the study admits he wasn't really listening.