Jokes

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been to Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito either. I hear no-one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an Airport, you have to be driven there..... I've made several trips.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker...courtesy of Vicky Vette!

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew before she swallows.

Not really a joke as such but something I heard on TV tonight

"The winner of this years Mr World had to beat off 76 other contestant's to win the title"

Confucius says "Man who walks through door sideways with an erection is always going to Bangkok"

I was in HMV earlier and as I was walking around everyone was calling me a wanker. By the time I had got to the till to pay for my Justin Bieber DVD, T-shirt and CD I still didn't know what I'd done.

What's shiny and feels left out when there's porn on the TV? Abu Hamza's right hook.

the police just arrested a chav in manchester city centre riding a moped with a 50 inch telly on the front.
when questioned the guy tried to claim it was his sat nav!!

I've just been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

Do women shake the petrol pump when filling the car up,or is it just a man thing.

Why do only ten per cent of women go to heaven? -Because if they all went it would be hell.

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie? - You can eat your mum's apple pie.

What's the difference between purple and pink? - The grip.

What's 12 inches long and dangles in front of an arse hole? - David Camerons tie.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? - The sex is the same,but the dishes are piling up.

Two blokes are in the pub,one says to the other,"your round" the other replies So are you,you fat bastard"

I suggested to my wife that she should try masturbating with fruit...she went fucking bananas.