Jokes

I saw Paddy running down the road with a chicken tikka masala the other day, I think he got confused when I told him we were going to rob Curry's

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

Just got a new car for the wife, a fair swop I thought

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

The wife and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

What does a 9 volt battery & a woman arsehole have in common ? You know it's wrong but you can't help putting your tongue on it.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper."

"So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

An 80-year-old man had always wanted to visit a nudest colony, and finally got up the nerve. He was wandering around the place, admiring the views, when he saw a woman ahead of him, bent over.
The old man's equipment responded immediately, and he slipped up quietly behind her and gave a good screwing.
A couple of hours later, he dropped his cane. As he bent over to pick it up, another man came up behind him and gave him one up the backside.

As he was dressing to go home that evening, the manager said,
"Well, I hope we'll be seing you often, now that you've found us!"
"No, I don't think so," the old man replied.
"Why not?"
"Well, at my age, I only get an erection once every three or four months......but I drop my cane five or six times a day!"

Those riots got out of hand in Manchester, Ryan Giggs said he didn't feel safe in his Brother's Wife's bed