Jokes

I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.

A BLOKE goes into a pub and orders a pint of less. The barman says: "I've never heard of that. What's a pint of less?"
The bloke says: "I dunno, but my doctor told me to drink less."

a man goes into a pub and asks for a free pint of urine, the barman says, "what?", the man says, "yeah, i thought i was taking the piss... sorry"

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.....

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

I booked a holiday with my mate. The lady at the desk asked: "queries?" I said, "No, just good friends"

What's the definition of indefinitely ? When your balls are slapping against her arse, your in definitely

Don't forget, Guys, there's no sex next Monday.........it's a Bonk Holiday!!

I was once in a band called The Prevention we weren't very good but we were better than The Cure

they say, "less is more", they also say, "the more the merrier", so does that mean... wait, what DOES it mean? less is merrier and less is actually more?