Jokes

Actual Classified Ads


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Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.


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A pat on the back is only a foot from a kick up the arse!

Two packet of crisps were walking along the road when a car stopped and a man said: "want a lift?" the crisps said: "no thanks, we're walkers".

Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:

NEW
IMPROVED
Made the old
fashioned way

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking
Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..

At The Club:
Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
...
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football With Him

Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything , He's On The Darts Team
In My Local

Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again ?

The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..

Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy ,
You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."

Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday.

Grandma says to her son just before she dies: "Son I've kept ma Farm, 6 Tractors , 50 Animals & 22,389,630 cash for yuh....take care of it"
Son says: "where is it?"
Grandma : FARMVILLE!!!!

mrs w's gone to visit her mother in The Netherlands, so left to my own devices I decided to go into town, something I haven't done on a Saturday night for ages.

A girl came up to me in this club and said, "I haven't had a cock for nearly three weeks now."

Well, this was too good an opportunity to miss, so I went back to her place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed, and that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation.......

A guy walked into a dentist's surgery. The dentist asked what the problem was.
The man said, "I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You're a moth????"
"Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!"
The dentist said, "Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall."
"Yes,I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."