Jokes

"Doctor, Doctor, I woke up this morning singing 'the green,green grass of home'"
"hmm...sounds like you've got Tom Jones Syndrome?"
"what the hell's Tom Jones Syndrome?? I've never heard of it!!"
"oh, it's not unusual....."

At school my careers teacher asked why I wanted to be a Car Mechanic I said because I quite like the uniform, overall

A COUPLE were lying in bed watching telly one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to masage her in a way he hadn't in quite some time. His fingers started at her neck and began moving down slowly. He caressed her shoulders and worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then placed his hand on her inner arm, working down her side and passing gently over her buttock and down her leg. Then her proceded up her thigh, stopping just at the top of her leg. He suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. She asked him in a loving voice: "Honey, that was wonderful. why did you stop?" He said: "I found the remote."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thanks to Techno a whole generation think that bass is just a knob on a stereo.Whilst for those of us who remember real musicians,bass will always be a knob on a guitar.

A poor man with nothing to live for was walking along the road one day when he saw a sign which read...

"Climb the Ladder to Success"

He thought to himself and decided that as he had nothing to lose he might as well give it ago.

At the bottom of the ladder there was and old woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success!" she said.

Of course he carried past the woman up the ladder.

Next he saw a middle aged woman who looked like she had had better days.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success!" she said.

He thought but carried on up the ladder.

Then he saw the most beautiful 20 year old woman.
She had golden blonde hair and stunning breats.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success!" she said.

Now this was difficult. He thought and thought but decided that he could offer this woman nothing and after they made love he would still have nothing.

He decided success was better.

He climbed right to the very top of the ladder and at the top there was a man.

The unsuccessful man walked towards this man and was astonished to discover he had unzipped his fly and his penis was hanging out.

Suddenly the man with his penis out said ...

"Pleased to meet you , my name's Cess"

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gees song.But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.

I said "Salad tastes nice."