Jokes

My last one before I sign off to watch Battlestar,

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Classic

firekind Wrote:a brunette and a blonde are walking on either side of a canyon. brunette call to the blonde 'hey. how do i get over there?' blonde shouts back 'you are over there'.

A brunette and a blonde are on a cliff top ready to jump! Which one hits the ground first the blonde or the brunette ?
Answer:
The brunette , cos the blonde stopped and asked directions on her way down.

One for irish ppl...
What do you call a Protestant who knows 500 loyalist songs??

An I-PROD

Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

check out this link for hundreds of great jokes

http://www.sickipedia.org/

omg what a funny thread

heres some more

Did you hear about the incontinent tortoise?..
It pished it shell!

An Irishman, Aussie & Scouser are drinkin in a bar together when they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a drink and Jesus sips each pint slowly. When he's finished he walks over to the Irishmanm shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guiness. 'Blimey', says the Irishman, 'my arthritis is gone!' Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. 'Crikey' he says 'my bad back is cured!'. Jesus approaches the Scouses who runs away screaming 'You can fuck off, I'm on disability benefit!!!!'

A little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says 'thats kung fu from japan'. A bit later the thug smacks him again and says 'thats taekwon do from korea. the little guy gets up and leaves the bar. a short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knockin him out cold and says to the barman 'when that cunt wakes up tell him that was a fucknin shovel form B&Q'

A young guy is walking along the pier when he see's an old man sitting on the edge of the walkway with his shoes off, trousers rolled up to his knees, feet dangling in the water, casting an imaginary fishing rod. Intrigued, the young guy asks the old fella what he's doing. The old man replies 'I'm fishing for cu*ts.' The young guy thinks for a second or two before asking, 'sounds like fun, can I have a go?' 'Sure' replies the old fella 'jus take your shoes off and cast your line.' So the young guy removes his shoes, rolls up his trousers, sits on the pier and casts his imaginary rod. After a few minutes he says to the old man 'this is actualy quite fun, how many cun*s have you caught today?' 'Well' replies the old man,' you're the third one this morning!'

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home inDublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman . . But it did happen to me sister."

A curious girl with her mother......

Girl: whats a penis?
mum: a penis is the thing that dangles down between a mans legs,
Girl : well what's a tw*t then?
mum: thats the rest of him!