Jokes

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

I braked hard, but still hit the car in front. A really cute blonde got out and shouted "RAM ME UP THE ARSE WHY DON'T YOU?!?! "

"This, your honour, is where the confusion started........"

Just signed up for keep fit classes at the Gym my trainer asked how flexible am I, I said I cant make Tuesday's and Thursdays

Then this guy benching weights asked me to spot him, I went to the other end of the room and said "oh there you are"

I finished up in the steam room bloody hell it was like a Sauna in there

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Billy used to love tractors. He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, posters of tractors: if it came with tractors he had it. He would play with his toy tractors whenever he possibly could, and would stay up late into the night to spend extra time with his tractors. However, as he grew up, his interest in tractors faded.

Billy settled down with a woman and eventually got married to her. She became pregnant and before he knew it he had two beautiful twin daughters. A few years passed. After arriving home from a long day at work he sees his kitchen on fire. He rushes inside to see his wife and kids trapped in a corner, screaming for help. Billy, remembering his past, knew what he had to do. He took a huge breath, sucking up all of the fire, and blew it outside.

His wife was gobsmacked: "How on earth did you do that?"

Billy replied, with a smile on his face: "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mum and says, "Mum... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mum replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

i had a joke about amnesia, but, erm... i seem to... er...

Bloody fed up with my Roll Neck Jumper.....I've had it up to here with it!!!

Village idiot was a suspect in an assault case and was asked by the police to take part in an identification line-up. When the woman victim came in he jumped out of line and shouted: "That's her!"