Jokes

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

My father once told me, theres only 2 things that smell like fish and one of them is fish.

Three bodies turn up in the mortuary one day with smiles on their faces. A visiting policeman asks the coroner, "why are they all smiling?" Coroner says, "First guy died of a heart attack while having sex. Second guy went the same way, after winning the lottery. Third ones a bit different though, he was struck by lighting." "What's funny about that?" asks the policeman. Coroner replies, "The tw*t thought he was having his picture taken!"

I've just texted my wife:

'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx'

She texted back:

'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx'

So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it, now we're going in 12 weeks instead.

The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat.

an unpaid job in america makes no CENTS

What do Tevez and a tramp have in common ?

They are both hard to remove from a bench

Have you heard about the new sandwich shop in town being opened by Carlos Tevez?

It's called "Sub-NO-Way"

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

I got home last night from a poker evening with my mates.My wife was of course waiting up,ready to moan as usual."Stop" I said " dont even bother getting pissed off.Pack your bags.I lost you in a poker game, your moving in with Bob."How could you do such a terrible thing" she whined. "Wasn't easy" I said "you don't normally fold with four aces"