Jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a £20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

My Bird had a "Near Death" experience today.
Silly bitch thought she could hoover while the fucking football was on!

Vicar books into a Hotel and asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "It's just regular porn you sick bastard".

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for?" asks the husband. She replied "Every time we had crap sex, I would put an egg in the box". "Not bad" he says, "3 eggs in 35 years, and the cash?" She replies, "Every time i got a dozen, I sold them ...."

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've reached Date: November 30, 2005 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.

Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

My mate just got arrested at the bee farm where he works......

He's being charged with embuzzlement.

I hear Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one!!!