Jokes

Best chat-up line ever:-
"I hope you have Pet Insurance because I'm about to destroy your pussy..."

Michael Jackson's doctor has said in Court that Michael had lost a lot of weight leading up to his death. He still wore adult tops but managed to squeeze into childrens bottoms!

The Press are praying for the new iphone to break down this week so they can have the ultimate headline ........ Apple and Blackberry crumble...!

I just received my degree in 'The study of football matches that are home victories'

I got a 2-1.

mrs w and I were walking in the Tesco entrance last night to do the weekly shopping, when we read their motto, 'Why Pay More?'

"Good point," we both thought... "Asda it is then."

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is young, female and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

My Doctor has advised me to start running.

I'm not ill or anything, he found out I've been shagging his wife.

A nose walked into a pub and asked the barman "One pint of bitter please sir"

The barman replied "I don't think so mate, you're already off your face"

Wayne Rooney is set to miss the whole of Englands Euro 2012 campaign after being handed a 3 game ban

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Joey exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."