Jokes

A man goes deer hunting for the first time and shoots a deer.

He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper.

But, knowing his children are fussy eaters and sentimental about animals, he doesn't tell them what they're getting.
...
His little boy, Jimmy, keeps asking "What's for supper dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

That evening his daughter continues to badger him about the delicious meat they're all eating.

"Ok", says her father, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

The daughter screams... "Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an asshole!"

The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends. After having far too much to drink, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I have never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."

He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Harlequins....."

My mate's wife was hit by a car the other week and died, he asked would I say a few words at the funeral.

Apparently, "Stop, look and listen" were not appropriate......

I was walking a girl home from the pub last night,we were taking a shortcut across the local football pitch,when suddenly she dropped to her knees & gave me a blow job.Wont be seeing her again,went down far to easy in the penalty area for my liking.

Met a girl and took her back to my parents....My dad whispers"where the f*** did U find her?? She has no teeth,bad breath,a broken nose,hairy legs??" "Hey dad no need to whisper....shes deaf !!!" LOL..

"Push Harder" I shouted at my wife whilst she was in labour.

"Fuck off you bastard!" She screamed back at me at the top of her voice.

Bit harsh I thought, not my fucking fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

Paul, John and Steve are friends on a camping trip. The evening draws in and they are sat around a fire discussing who is the toughest out of them all.
"I once killed a bear with only my two hands!" Said Paul

"Pfft, I once took on two croc's at once and killed them both" Replied John.

Steve just stood there in silence poking the fire.............









...With his cock.

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

I came home late from the pub tonight, the missus wasnt impressed my tea was ruined, she went ballistic, I got toad in the hole, then she threw the steak and chips in the bin